Im falling back into depression and back into my eating disorders.

i know no one will ever take the time or even care to read this but i havent done it in a while an di never even go on this tumblr or tumblr at all anymore. I dont know whats going on but all i know is that i feel so fucking lost. Like all the happiness i had is just being sucked out of me for no reason. It was short lived. Im missing out on everything especially all the people i care most about grow up and im not even there for them. I dont even have friends anymore and no one that i can tell everything to. Ive gained 15 pounds and look like a hippo and really never even want to get up in the morning and get dressed because i hate what im letting myself become. Im not even a gymnast anymore thereofre my whole life was nasically pointless cause the whole time i was in the gym training for perfection. as always im always here for everybody else who ever has a problem or needs to talk always putting myself second and its tiring. then again not many people really talk to me anymore anyway…. all i have is tyler and i care about him but would never open up to him about becoming depresswed again. I want to talk to dylan of course as always, hes growing up, changing probably, and i dont even know. Its as if my life in new york never even existed anymore… iman isnt even here anymore…. my thoughts are starting to scare me again and its annoying because these are all feelings i thought or hoped i would never have to experience again. But i DO NOT want to go back into therapy or be watched 24/7, that use to do nothing but just make things worse but i want someone to talk to, someone who knows things and understands without being lectured or having it be pointless becauwse theyre a million miles away. And i say that all i have now is tyler and its true but hes leaving in almost a month for college and who knows what will happen then. wow ill probably loose someone again… good thing its much different this time. My family feels like such a wreck at times and im tired or being always put under the bus by my sister. Nothing i ever do is right in her eyes and especially never in mine. i know im just rambling on about stupid stuff but i just dont know what to say anymore. its amazing to think of those who you called your best friends and those who you wouldnt stop talking for the world now dont talk at all anymore. what sucks a lot too is i cant even cry. Its as if im numb or emotion, and i havent even been taking my anti depressnts for months now… fh vsdf vjdbfvbdfchjbefweubvcuewbnfxcdhegbvrefv i hate myself…. im a failure at everything and everytime i try to tchange or do something right i just mess up and end up being dumb old me as always. i fucking failed the state test for tenth grade…. im just done whatever.

can everything just be done?

i don’t feel like doing anything.

cockless-nights:

Brand New|| The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot 

(Source: ohhcalicoqueen)